I can’t believe I’m writing this. I’ve been appointed as The Disney Driven Life Bachelorette correspondent. While I’m flattered at being asked to write the recaps, this task presents two problems: 1) I have to watch the show; and 2) I have to admit that I’m watching the show. Guys, this is just one of those shows we have to endure, but don’t worry – I’ve got your back.
Besides, this will cut into my watching Disney Jr. favorites Sofia the First, Sheriff Callie’s Wild West, and Octonauts with our little one. Since I was a scuba diver in my former life, my secret favorite is Octonauts. I try to mix in some baseball games, but wanted to give you an idea of my typical TV watching “preferences.”
But this is something new, and I have to admit there’ve been times when I’ve enjoyed watching VERY LIMITED AMOUNTS of past Bachelor and Bachelorette episodes. And there’s an added benefit: this is a great exercise in helping me pre-screen suitors for our girls (gives me an anxiety attack just thinking about it).
So let’s jump on in!
First, there’s a twist right from the start – 2 Bachelorettes!!!!! Yes!!!!!! So I figured this means Season 11 is only half as long! I mean, just once, why not pick the winner on the first night, get the rose, close the deal, and get on with it? Most of them break up later anyway. Here’s why they don’t do that – everyone has agreed to drag this out as long as possible, and everyone wants to go zip lining in Belize. If I put my life on hold to be a show contestant, I’d better make it to the exotic trip episodes.
Or maybe they’re hoping to make it close enough to the end to be the next Bachelor. You have to admit – it’s a pretty sweet deal: live in a mansion, go on all these trips, get makeovers, and take off work. But beware gents – you may have to compete on Dancing With the Stars and have to put up with your friends afterwards.
25 men make the decision on who gets to be the Bachelorette? And either Kaitlyn or Britt gets eliminated twice????? What???? So does this mean next time 2 bachelors where one gets eliminated in the first episode? Maybe everyone gets eliminated on the first night for the next season. Hey, a guy can dream.
Initial impressions – these guys are all taller and better looking than me. I dislike all of them.
Watching first meetings is usually awkward, but this is excruciating. White socks???? That guy must think he’s David Letterman. Jonathan rocked the red socks pretty well, but hey – he’s a car salesman. Jared – superhero underoos? I guess if it works, that’s ok, but your friends are gonna have a field day with this. Kupah – that guy looks scary, but his name makes me think of Koopa Troopa from Mario Kart. Don’t tell him I said that. JJ – a puck joke that was kind of inappropriate. Ryan – looks like trouble. And the guy from Kentucky brought moonshine – nice. He’s my favorite so far (but it’s clear they have enough alcohol in the mansion). Justin – balloons. That’s sweet, but see underoos comment above. Shawn – polka dotted socks – that’s style.
Guys – don’t tell one girl she’s the reason you’re here, especially when the other girl is in earshot. Hedge your bets. Tony, the healer, looks like he has a shiner, which makes me wonder how good he is at his job. Great lines, though – heartfelt delivery.
Ryan – this guy makes the show worth watching. Notable quotes: “I’m horned up!”, and the line of the year – “I APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING!!!!!!!!!”
Shawn – hot. tub. car. No other words needed. And later locks horns (ha ha ha) with Ryan. Awesome.
And the biggest impact entrance: A ROLLING CUPCAKE – of course driven by a guy named Chris. At least he’s not an engineer. That would have done irreparable damage to the coolness of my profession.
Britt wants the first night to be the last night – me too.
Some suggestions for ABC for the first night: how about an obstacle course? Or better yet, how about a live viewing audience vote? Then a trapdoor could open underneath the unlucky guy. Narrow the field.
Here are some general observations from the cocktail party:
Watching these guys strategize is so painful.
I find myself wishing security would haul Ryan and Tony the Healer out of the house.
Clint made a nice frame and drew a picture – but of Chris and a triceratops. Well played… I guess.
Ryan – this guy deserves his own show. He and Tony the Healer can be the new Odd Couple. Kaitlyn thinks Ryan crossed the line? Ya think?
Little did she know that he was about to sully the pool. Good thing he didn’t have trouble in the water – no one was jumping in after him.
And then the big bouncer guy comes in. I was hoping Chris would put Ryan in a headlock.
Ryan actually seems surprised when he gets sent home. And no limo ride!!!!!!!!!! If you leave the first night in a white van, you didn’t make a good impression.
And now the suspense of waiting to find out which Bachelorette stays, and which one goes. Counting votes doesn’t take this long on Survivor. Just saying.
And with that, the first episode ends.
Second episode – Chris delivers the news to Britt. I’m sure she’ll be on another show sometime. At least she didn’t have to ride to the airport with Ryan. She got a limo. Is it just me or is the limo ride music really melancholy? Ugh. Then Chris breaks the news to Kaitlyn. At least she asked about Britt. Chris says “she’s good” – I guess he hadn’t seen the limo footage.
Ok, let’s get on with this. So now a SECOND cocktail party? Is that really a good idea?
To the lightning round we go.
Joshua made a steel rose. Wow. That’s strong. That’s sure better than a rolling cupcake. And now an interlude with Tony the Healer. I sure hope he’s the next Bachelor. That’ll kill the franchise. I’m all for it. Jared goes full disclosure, says he voted for Britt, but then says he wants to stay. You bet. JJ apparently makes a good impression. Cupcake guy is getting on my nerves. Shawn gets the first impression rose – clearly the front runner.
So now the rose ceremony starts. Let’s see how long ABC drags this out. Cupcake man gets the first rose. I knew it. Moonshine guy gets a rose, and so does Kupah!!!!!! Tony got a rose?! Good grief.
Uh oh, a surprise move – Brady interrupts the rose ceremony. I bet he’s going home. But without being eliminated – I like a man who takes off on his own terms. He says he’s gonna find Britt.
And then back to the roses. Not looking good for hot tub car guy and Jared. But Jared wins!!!! At least hot tub car guy doesn’t have to wait for the limo to ride out. I wonder if his clothes ever dried out?
And we close out with season highlights – looks like some cool trips coming up, but looks like there’s gonna be some beefin’ between the guys. So let’s see how this goes.